note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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