yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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