I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
