dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
