Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize