mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
