I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
