Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize