i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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