Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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