ya dads aren't the best wingmen
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
