So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
