I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
