Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
