He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
