he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize