I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
