I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
