Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
