and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
