I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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