A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
