bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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