Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
