smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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