"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
