They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
As shirtless as possible
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
