So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
