Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
