According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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