Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
