My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize