You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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