Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize