whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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