That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
