don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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