I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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