Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I need to stop coming to work sober
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
