we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
