i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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