I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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