i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
