He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
