When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
