Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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