there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
