Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I touched a dick in church today
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
