there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Randomize
