Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
