Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
