i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
