just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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