I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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