You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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