you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
