If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize