Barsexuality is the new black.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
