Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
