I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
