Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
