Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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