Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
