Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
