Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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