I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
