i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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