Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize